My home is not a place, it is people.
An infinite tale of woe
Published on October 13, 2005 By Cordelia In Travel

In ages past ('bout 15 yrs ago), when man flew across the nation he could expect a meal to be served. Occasionally this meal was even hot, and might consist of a chicken dish, mashed potatoes and a vegetable. Somewhere along the way, the airlines decided it was cheaper to offer the ubiquitous "snack box".

 

Don't get me wrong, the snack box is highly superior to the previous "chicken" and side dishes of dubious nature. For a mere 3$ a person can now purchase $1.50 worth of life-sustaining foodstuffs.

 

This food is stuff we all know and love in miniature form. My $3 bought me 2 Oreo cookies, a bag of cinnamon-raisin bagel chips, 2 crackers, a square of cheddar cheese spread, 'trail mix', a small plastic knife and a moist towlette. Almost as surprising as the familiarity of the fare is the large amount of calories packed into the little package and my ability to remain hungry after eating it all and licking every crumb from the insides of the wrappers.

 

The makers of the snack boxes have also thoughtfully managed to remove all flavor from said items. I considered eating the moist towlette just to add a little spice to the “meal”,  but decided against it, using it instead for the purpose for which God and nature intended (to wipe my hands, in case you didn't know).

 

The moist towlette gave me a pleasantly lemony scent, as if I had just dipped my hands in furniture polish. I briefly considered rubbing it under my arms to complete the effect, but determined against it. Instead I’ve saved what’s left of the towlette for later.

 

As I am a seasoned traveler, I know that having consumed a mere 500 calories I will not make it through the rest of the flight without sustenance. A few years ago I dropped some serious cash on one of those fancy travel bags with the dimensional door built in. Experienced voyagers were therefore unsurprised when I produced a lovely lobster bisque, garlic & rosemary mashed potatoes, asparagus with oyster sauce, an entire rack of lamb, and my signature applesauce cheesecake. To drink I enjoyed a Mt. Dew, served in one of those little plastic cups with the airline logo on it. Did you know they'll let you keep the plastic cup? I asked, it's ok. I'm saving them up, and I'm thinking about building a house out of them when I have enough.

 

11:17 am Detroit time and only 2 hours in to a 5 hour flight. My seatmate is snoring softly next to me, so I have stuffed my moist towlette up her nose. She is perfectly silent now. I, however, am beginning to suffer the first pangs of a feeling that strikes fear and loathing into the very core of my being - I have to go to the bathroom.

 

I have never before gone to the bathroom on a plane, and don't intend to start now. I mean, did you hear about that lady who flushed the toilet while she was still on it? Apparently if your behind is big enough to cover the entire seat - and mine is, see section above on my in-flight meal - it can create a seal over the toilet. You see, airplanes get rid of waste via suction, and when you create a seal...well, they had to call paramedics when they landed and surgically remove her from the toilet. I know about this because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of mine1.

 

Nature called, however, and you know how I love to talk on the phone. I looked behind me and saw people standing in the aisle, waiting for their turn in the lavatory. I didn't wish to stand in the aisle next to a total stranger for God knows how long waiting for my turn. I mean, if I did that then people would know I'm going to the bathroom! I'd stand there, shifting my feet as my bladder slowly began to distend through the abdominal wall, threatening to rupture (or at least stretch my pants all out), and they'd be looking at me...with their eyes.

 

I considered pissing myself, and was just reflecting with a sigh of regret that I'd already used my moist towlette on my seat-mate, when someone near me walked to the front of the plane and used the other bathroom. Oh. The other bathroom. Right.

 

I waited impatiently for him to finish, my heart pounding with fear that some less discriminating person might get up and actually stand in the aisle like a barbarian. I envisioned a scenario where a succession of knuckle-draggers would keep me from my goal, eventually forcing me down to their level just for my chance to be hermetically sealed to an airplane toilet, but no one was yet standing up when this good man exited the lavatory. Knowing he sat behind me I was forced to wait until he walked all the way down the aisle and back to his seat until I could get up. A mad dash for the restroom while shouting "this is an emergency, out of my way!!" that resulted in the poor man getting trampled would not help me retain the low-key status I was seeking and is also an activity the FAA has frowned upon since 9-11.

 

I made it to the lavatory with my honor and my pants intact. I did not flush while I was still seated because I am smart1. While I was in there I discovered that the soap provided ironically smells like feces, and again I lamented the loss of my precious moist towlette. I figured it was ok though, because I planned on another snack box. I was hungry again.

 

 

1 For those of you who are dense and think I'm serious: I am aware that this is an urban legend.

For those of you who are dense and believed my story: This is just an urban legend.


Comments (Page 1)
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on Oct 13, 2005

What airline can afford branded plastic cups these days? If I didn't look at the "proudly flying to madagascar once every 3 weeks" page in the back of the in-flight magazine I stole from my seatmate before he arrived, I wouldn't know what airline I was on.

Sometimes I still don't, given their mergers and partnerships. 

I suggest a stopover in denver or chicago. You can get meat products and eat them on the plane.

Kris

on Oct 13, 2005

What airline can afford branded plastic cups these days?

Northwest apparently. I'll bring in the cup for you and you can start your own collection.

I suggest a stopover in denver or chicago. You can get meat products and eat them on the plane.

It just so happens I will be in Denver this weekend. I shall purchase some Elk jerky to keep me alive for the 2.5 hour trip home. Thanks for the suggestion!

on Oct 14, 2005

Watch out for the falling blue ice!

Guess I am lucky.  So far, I have not had to go.  I can hold it.  It is not that I am afraid of them, but I just hate standing in line.

on Oct 14, 2005

It is not that I am afraid of them, but I just hate standing in line.

Me too. This article was meant to be humorous, but I really dislike standing in the aisles.

on Oct 14, 2005
This article was meant to be humorous,


And it was... thanks!
on Oct 14, 2005

Humorous? I thought this was SERIOUS!

And here I have been afraid of performing a "courtesy flush" all these years for NOTHING!

on Oct 14, 2005

This article was meant to be humorous

I laughed as well. 

I just noticed your blog name.  Is that how you spell your name?  My Daughter's is spelled the same way, and everyone thought it was weird when she was born (18 years ago).

on Oct 14, 2005
Very funny Cordelia Glad to see you writing articles again!

I try to avoid airline toilets too, but most of my flights so far have either been international, or cross-country hauls, and it's a bit tough to hold it that long
on Oct 14, 2005
And it was... thanks!


Thank you!

And here I have been afraid of performing a "courtesy flush" all these years for NOTHING!



I just noticed your blog name. Is that how you spell your name? My Daughter's is spelled the same way


Ar eyou referring to my blog name (Cordelia) or my real name (Kristin)? I do spell my real name with an "in", but it seems like most people want to spell it "en". Even though most Kristin's I've met spell their names "in". Go figure! I htink you and I both know there is only one right way to spell it.

but most of my flights so far have either been international, or cross-country hauls, and it's a bit tough to hold it that long


Zoomba, dearest, you just aren't trying hard enough. Didn't you see the part about the moist towlette?
on Oct 14, 2005

I've found that if I don't consume more than 14 of those miniature bottles of Jack on the flight, I can usually hold it 'till we land.

Good advice. I guess it helps that I'm a lightweight in that area: after 10 bottles I'm telling the pilot to pull over so I can barf. People love me on planes.

on Oct 14, 2005

my real name (Kristin)?

Real name.  I know.  Everyone was always misspelling my daughter's name.  I thought at first maybe we had made a mistake!

on Oct 14, 2005

I thought at first maybe we had made a mistake!

No way! It's only the best name out there.

on Oct 14, 2005
Just got home from travelling in South America (I'm European) for two months and I was flying extensively, about 20 flights in total. Loved your post! I had almost forgotten about the beloved airplan toilets. Nothing like the aisle queue in a 13 hour flight between Sao Paolo and Heathrow. Can't really understand those people who actually CHAT with perfect strangers in the aisle.
on Oct 14, 2005

Nothing like the aisle queue in a 13 hour flight

MANDATORY For that long of a flight!  my Longest in the last 30 years has been 5 hours.

on Oct 14, 2005
HILARIOUS!!

Very well written. I was right there with you...well, not while you were in the head, but the rest of the time!
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