My home is not a place, it is people.
Published on March 3, 2005 By Cordelia In Misc


Congratulations! You’ve realized that you are a f***ing failure. Most people go through life never becoming aware that they a losers and should go die somewhere in a corner, and thus they perpetuate the cycle of losership. You, on the other hand, have suddenly woken up and cried your eyes out one day because you have failed at life. Good. 

Chances are you will continue to be a loser, but since you are now conscious and aware you will fight the system – unless you are more of a loser than we even thought. The following questions are here to help you formulate a plan to become less of a failure. I mean, let’s face it, you’re never going to be a success. The least you can do is try to be less of a f**k up for your fellow humans right? 

STEP #1:

Why are you a failure? List the goals that you have here. Presumably you have not achieved these goals because you are a failure. Don’t put down crap like “Win the lottery”. That is a random act of fate and you cannot attribute your success or the lack thereof to that. Put down stuff that you can control. If you can’t think of any goals, then how can you be a failure? Chances are good that you are actually more of a “waste” than a “failure”. We’ll be writing another program to help people like you later. If we feel like it.

STEP #2:

List what you have done so far to achieve these goals. Be honest. If you have done nothing to achieve your goals write the following statement 3 times on a separate sheet of paper (must be hand-written): “I have taken no active steps to achieve the goals that I was able to clearly state in #1. Because I was clearly able to define my goals, and yet have taken no steps toward achieving them, I am a loser and a failure and I am suitably ashamed”. Now write "kick me" in big, bold letters at the bottom and tape this paper to your back.

STEP #3:

List the specific steps that you will need to take to achieve your goals. Don’t put down crap like “earn a million dollars” or “Sell a screenplay”. Those are goals, loser, not a plan of action! What do you need to do to achieve your goals? If you don’t know, then start with “talk to a professional to find out what I need to do to make my goal achievable”.  

STEP #4:

This is the hard part. This is what separates the real failures from the regular losers. You must actually DO the stuff you’ve listed. One step at a time. I’m not here to give you some kind of pep talk, nor will I be here tomorrow or the next day or the next. It’s up to you to do these things. You are the one that has to get up and look at yourself in the mirror every morning, and if you can live with your current state of loserdom, then fine. If not, you’ll do something proactive about it. 

Good luck. You’re going to need it.

on Mar 03, 2005
Woohoo, I'm a loser And not only have you managed to humourously look at loserness, but you've offered tips for how someone can deloserify themselves. Go you
on Mar 03, 2005
Thanks Danny. Mostly written as advice to myself.
on Mar 03, 2005
Rules to live by.
on Mar 04, 2005
I have alway thought of my self as just lazy, now I know better.
on Mar 04, 2005
Excellent article. People who beat themselves up all the time should read this, good shake-'em-up.
on Mar 04, 2005
Thanks all, glad you enjoyed it.